I am thinking/hoping what I am going through is normal.

What it is like looking in on your kids without a dad.

Most days there is something that happens that I think “Wow, I really need to write something and post it on my blog.”  Reality sets in, days, weeks, go by, and before I know it I am receiving emails asking…Hello?? Where are you?? When are you going to post again??  So, I sort through the last couple of weeks and try to pick out the most significant things I can think of.  The basic premises of this blog was following Tami’s suggestion to tell my story.  Once again, I don’t really know that I have a story to tell.  Getting from point A to point B, but more of just writing about stories is what I hope to accomplish.  Tonight’s entry is a story. 

I find so much of my mental time (the time when I think about the kids, how they are feeling, are they happy?  Are they doing OK?  Will what I am doing now make them love me or hate me when I am older?)  I have a vision of all my children looking forward to either coming to my home with all their children or me going to their home with all their children on every holiday.  (side note…I am assuming all my kids will marry orphans so the only option is Mom Campbell on holidays.)  Seriously though, my children’s happiness is my main concern in most everything I do. 

If there is one thing, one project that I love about 6^th grade it is the project “About Me” that the kids need to do this time every year.  When Brennen and Logan did it, I found it amazing.  I didn’t help either kid with the project.  I wanted to see what they came up with and what stuck out most in their minds from the last seven years of their life and schooling at St. John Bosco.  After reading Olivia’s story I was moved beyond words.  I thought..wow…something I am saying, something I am doing, is getting through.  Her story was the first I read without a dad in her life.  Things change for a kid without a dad.  As the surviving parent you hope that all you do can fill the holes of what is obviously missing in their life.  The frustrating part is that you never know for sure.  Is what is happening now going on because they are teenagers, pre-teens, normal every day stuff or is there something else going on?  I continuously find myself asking this question.  Is this normal or is this because they are dealing with other outside circumstances that, thankfully, most kids don’t have to deal with?  I don’t know for sure and probably never will.  However, Olivia’s story, from her point of view, made me feel that, even on my saddest days, I am doing something right and she is going to be ok.

Olivia’s story from her point of view…

Be content with what you have, because God has said

“Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”

So we say with confidence,

“ The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid.

What can man do to me?”

                                                                        Hebrews 13:  5,6

             In this bible passage it is saying don’t be greedy. Be thankful what you have. You could have nothing. God will never leave you or forsake you. He is our helper and we should not be afraid.

            I love my life. I like this passage because I don’t take my life for granted. I think that God gives troubles to those who can handle it. That’s what my mom always said when we have had something bad happen to our lives. I love my life because of what God has given me. I am thankful, thankful for my family, my life and others. I am thankful for the troubles I have had.

            Some important lessons I learned throughout my life so far are always wear a helmet, and don’t put anything or throw anything into an electrical outlet. Also mistakes are what get you through life. This means every mistake I made during my life made my life a lot more interesting.

            My life philosophy is Live Love Laugh. The word live means is that go outside live your life. Be yourself, don’t be who people want you to be. The word love means is love yourself others and God. Don’t love yourself less because you made a mistake love yourself even more. The word laugh means is laugh in your life. I laugh every day.  Laugh at your mistakes.

            Some of my current goals are to get in a cake decorating class so in ten years maybe I could become a cake decorator. I love to decorate things. I love working with food. My brother and I both want to become chefs. I also want to become a dancer. I love to dance. I live to dance.

            The most important thing to me is my family, my life, and others. I think my family and others are what gives me tomorrow to live my life. Don’t put off what you can do today. I always try to get as much done today so tomorrow I can live my life more. My family is important to me because they love me and I love them. My friends are important to me because they make me laugh. They make me smile.

A message I want to leave with those who read my life story is be thankful.

WOW… as her mom, I am proud.  People say that what you put out on social media is forever out there.  I hope that when O finds this years later, when she is out on her own, living her own life, she will stumble across this and know how much I love her and how much her words have inspired me.  From the mouth of babes...may we all be able to pause and reflect on the wonder of life.  What is given, what is taken away, and what is yet to come.  We may not not know the reason why so why not take what is given and let it unfold in front of us.  Embrace Life and all it has to offer.  I love the statement "For this too shall pass."  It not only helps us get through the tough times but also reminds us that....that this too shall pass...cat's in the cradle (thank you Ron) and all those other easier said than done statements.  Live today.  Worry about the laundry tomorrow.

~L

Kindness

I came across this poem in the April addition of Oprah magazine.  I read it once and then read it again three more times over.  For some reason it really struck me and I couldn’t stop reading the words over and over.  I ripped out the page from the magazine, re-wrote the poem in my journal and re-wrote it in an email so I could share it.  I then stuck the page in my journal so I could keep reading it over and over. 

KINDNESS

By Naomi Shihab Nye

Before you know what kindness really is

you must lose things,

feel the future dissolve in a moment

like salt in a weakened broth.

What you held in your hand,

what you counted and carefully saved,

all this must go so you know

how desolate the landscape can be

between the regions of kindness.

How you ride and ride

thinking the bus will never stop,

the passengers eating maize and chicken

will stare out the window forever.

Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness,

You must travel where the Indian in a white poncho

lies dead by the side of the road.

You must see how this could be you,

how he too was someone

who journeyed through the night with plans

and the simple breath that kept him alive.

Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,

you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.

You must wake up with sorrow.

You must speak to it till your voice

catches the thread of all sorrows

and you see the size of the cloth.

Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore,

only kindness that ties your shoes

and sends you out into the day to mail letters and purchase bread,

only kindness that raises its head

from the crowd of the world to say

It is I you have been looking for,

and then goes with you everywhere

like a shadow or a friend.

Lunch Bunch

Over the past six months, the highlight of my workday has become the time I spend in the teachers lounge with a small group of women I affectionately call my lunch bunch.  For all outside appearances, other than believing in the same God and working at the same place, we don’t seem to have much in common however, over time, we have found common threads that have somehow woven our lives together.  We talk about our families, the struggles, the laughter, the highlights and of course the lowlights.  We commiserate about the challenges of our work place, the gossip we have heard and the truths we have come to learn.  We discuss shoes, fashion, food and diets.  We share stories and keep each other up to date about the goings on of our mutual friends.  Most of all though, we laugh.  We laugh A LOT. 

After my lunch today (in actuality it was last week.  I started writing this post several days ago) I had to leave campus to run a few work errands.  I am so incredibly busy at work these days and I had originally planned to use my lunchtime to run the errands.  As I was driving to my appointment I was thinking back about lunch and was so happy that I decided take time for lunch with friends before continuing on in my day. It is so easy to get caught up in “catching up.”  In our efforts and attempts of getting ourselves organized, we miss out on the good things that are actually the fuel that keep us going.  During the week, it is my “Lunch Bunch” that keeps me going.  In the big picture of life, it is the time I carve out with friends and family that keep me going.  Whether it be a few moments of shared laughter and catching up or hours of gossip and reminiscing, the time spent with friends and family are the very thing that keep me grounded and remind me of what is important in life.   I took some time today to go through my photo library.  I could have spent hours, days, going through the memories.  Long story short…friends and family are the common threads that weave the blanket we take comfort in and snuggle around our bodies when times are hard.  I offer you this…take the blanket and wrap it around yourself when times are good and enjoy, embrace, make time for and cherish the moments that you can spend with friends and family when times are good.

Thank you for understanding.

I knew when I started this blog that I wouldn’t be able to write every day, every week or on any sort of regular basis for that matter.   Since my last post I have thought about a couple different topics to write about.  However the other day (actually it has probably been over a week now) I received an email from a parent at the school I work at that simply said “Thank you for understanding.”  It struck me so profoundly and I knew this had to be my next topic.  I have been thinking about it for several days now.  The email was in response to my reply to their original email about why they responded past the deadline, why they were hoping I would bend the rules for them.  In the original email they stated their case and asked if I would make an exception to the stated rule.  To be honest it was much easier at the time for me to say yes, no worries, than it was to explain why I had to deny their request.  I didn’t understand, I just did what was easiest for me at the time.  Now, looking back, I am happy that they think I took the time to understand their situation.  Not only because it made them feel better but because it made me stop and think about what it really means to “understand.”

With friends and people we love it is much easier to say we understand and accept them for what they do, what they say, who they are.  With strangers I think it is much harder.  However, after getting the email I think about how much nicer our world would be if we could extend the understanding we give to those we know and love to those we don’t know as well.  Put yourself in someone else’s shoes if only for a minute.

LC’s 2^nd grade teacher, Mr. Ronquillo, said it best when he tried to explained to the kids that you just don’t know where someone else has been in the last five minutes before you encountered them.  Treat everyone with kindness and understanding.  Doing that is so much easier said than done.  It is so easy to understand the big things or the obvious things that we can see…I understand you missed the meeting because your child was sick.  I understand you didn’t volunteer to help because you were committed to supporting another cause.  It is trying to understand the other things that upset our world with no explanation or apparent reason that we all seem to have a hard time with.

With the exception of a few years (or so) in my twenties, I have always been a stay between the lines kind of girl.  I just couldn’t understand why people couldn’t follow the stated rules, policies and procedures.  Now older and wiser (HA!) I have discovered life is not always as it seems.  As much as you may want to “stay between the lines” life doesn’t always work out that way.  Having people along the way that say “I understand” make a world of difference to those that are trying their best to keep it all together. 

So with that said, here is my list of “thank you for understanding” going out to friends and family.  Thank you for understanding when…

• I didn’t return your email, text or phone call in a timely manner
• I forgot my kids at your house; you entertained them, helped them with homework and sent them home with a full belly.
• forgot your birthday
• forgot to send a thank you note for all the wonderful things you did for me
• I was cranky and tired and snapped at you for no reason
• I didn’t listen
• I didn’t seem to care
• I drank your best wine and didn’t even stay to help with dishes
• borrowed something of yours and kept it way too long
• I was too tired to lend a hand

I am sure the list could go on and on but it is late and I am tired…thank you for understanding.

Oh…and for my friend Sue V….here is your shout out…I love you.  Thank you for being my friend and for understanding when I drop off the face of the earth and don’t see you or talk to you for long stretches of time.  Two things I love most about you are it doesn’t matter how long it has been, we can always talk and share smiles like it was yesterday and when I run into you at school and haven’t seen you in forever we always hug.  I love that.

Optimism and Hope

“Optimism and hope are radically different attitudes. Optimism is the expectation that things-the weather, human relationships, the economy, the political situation, and so on-will get better. Hope is the trust that God will fulfill God's promises to us in a way that leads us to true freedom. The optimist speaks about concrete changes in the future. The person of hope lives in the moment with the knowledge and trust that all of life is in good hands.”  This is taken,in part, from a reflection by Henri Nouwen. If you don’t already subscribe to these daily reflections, check it out at www.henrinouwen.com.  For some reason, 9 times out of 10 the daily reflections sitting in my email inbox have an uncanny coincidence of being relative to the day/time I am reading them.

From this particular reflection my thoughts go directly to the line “…the person of hope lives in the moment with the knowledge and trust that all is in good hands.”  I never really thought about it before but after reading this I thought I am really a person of hope rather than a person who is simply optimistic.  I have always considered myself a basically happy person despite what is going on around me.  However, after living through a life changing diagnoses of autism for my youngest child and more recently the diagnoses of pancreatic cancer and much too soon death of my husband Joe, I truly understand the difference between optimism and hope. 

Hope is what is left when you are trying to figure out what is “wrong” with your child or how you can make the cancer go away.  You know both (child and husband) are beautiful and blessings in your life, but something is not right and you need to fix it.  In your search to help them, you fill your days and nights by reading book after book, you google, you read through every news clip and article that your friends pass on.  You wear out highlighters, go through stacks of post it notes marking and tabbing information that may be important to know.  In the end, you find yourself on your knees asking God for help.  That, to me, is hope.  And let me just say, I didn’t ask for God to make them better, fix what was wrong.  I simply asked to give me strength to face what lies ahead.  And of course being the human that I am I asked for Him to carry me through what I could not walk through alone.

That, to me, is the difference between optimism and hope.  I didn’t realize it at the time.  But, like I said, Henri Nouwen’s reflections seem to hit my inbox at just the time I need to read them.

My son still has autism.  Joe is not here with us.  But having hope, I know all is as it should be. Life is good. I have so many things to be grateful for. My friends are amazing, the ones I have known for years and the ones who have come into my life because of what has happened.  I am especially grateful for the new people in my life who, by their words or actions (and I hope you know who you are without mentioning names) have shown me that, more than ever, life goes on.  Don’t just take the journey, enjoy the ride.

~L

This is where I start...

Let me just start by saying this first post is ... Not from the beginning.

Today is the day I decided to start writing. The suggestion came from my dear friend Tami. She said "you have to share your story." I asked where do I start?? and "Why?" Do people really want to hear my story? I am not so sure of that. She said yes. You have to share it. Start by saying ..."Today is the day I am starting." Or, something to that effect. (Sorry Tami, my memory fails me.) But, I got the gist of what you were saying and it has been on my mind ever since. Another friend, Julie, has told me I have the gift of writing. Again, I am not so sure of this. I know I love to write and I find I am a much better communicator through written word than through spoken word but to take the next step, move into todays technology and blog about my life journey, my thoughts, my reflections is a completely new thing. Welcome to the age of technology I guess.

Most mornings I start my day, before getting out of bed, with prayer... "I Thank You for all the blessings You have given me, those I see, know and recognize as well as those blessings I have yet to realize. Shine Your light into me so that I may be light for others." I then, after wishing I could just stay in bed for "five more minutes," get up and head for my laptop. New England time is either two or three hours ahead of Phoenix time, depending on the time of year. Most mornings my dear friend Wendy of 35 plus years is waiting for my morning update. I fill her (bore her) with my days to do list, ask her what I should do about this or that and ask her about her day and going's on. I feel like I am always talking about me and my issues ...what I should do, not do, etc., and she always answers, offers advise and never says ..ok..enough about you and your issues, let's talk about me. Thank you Wendy!

So, with this first blog post I am going to try and follow Tami's advise and write my story. I am going to take what Julie told me about my writing and hope that anyone who reads this or follows this will find/see the same thing that Julie sees in my writing. I am going to continue to take Wendy's daily advise and post what I have learned from her wisdom.

Technology what it is today, I am hoping my children will be able to see a glimpse of their mother. Who and what I am as a person. Someone other than the bill payer, taxi driver, rule enforcer, taker-away of xbox privileges...

My goal is at least a once a week update. Hopefully it will be more than that. If not, well, all you moms and dads know the commitment of those time sucking aliens we call kids!

~L